If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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