i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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