haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
this hospital has no fireball
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
