I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
