on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
