Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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