I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
