I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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