I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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