it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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