shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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