Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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