we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Randomize
