she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
