Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
two words...techno handjob
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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