When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
