38 yer olds are good kisserssss
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
You pole danced in your parka.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
