I think i peed on brittanys purse
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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