Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
