im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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