Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
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