His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
