My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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