I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
