walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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