I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Randomize