I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
You made out with two different species that night
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
