i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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