if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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