I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
