Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
