Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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