Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
