Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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