I think I died a long time ago.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
