My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
