Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
