I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
