i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
