well I can't set my house on fire every night
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
