chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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