The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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