if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize