I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
