i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize