$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
