Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
