The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
