Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
My pussy is not your playground.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
