nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
