I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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