My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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