Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
