Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
