last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
