How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
